The transition between 3 and 4 has always seemed like the end of babyhood and the beginning of childhood to me. Tonight my youngest child is having her last evening as a 3 year old and I have found myself thinking about how things are changing. After being deeply immersed in pregnancy, breastfeeding, mothering etc. for the past 9 years my role is transitioning. I have found myself wondering what my purpose is in our family. Am I really needed here? Do I benefit my family in any way? What do I do if I am not deep in the trenches of diapers, various bodily fluids, and my small people have beautifully blossomed before my very eyes? I have been a dedicated attachment parent but now as I have found joy in my work again, what does that mean? Do I still classify as an attached parent if I love my work?
When my oldest was born I had a serious go round with depression. I had left a job which I was highly committed to and at the same time found a whole new side of myself when I fell in love with this little girl. I discovered my intuition and also a lot of anger at the medical profession for my newly torn up and scarred body and at well meaning people who seemed to think that they knew what was best for my baby. My daughter is practical and smart and I am proud of the woman she will become.
I was determined that my next experience would be different and it was. My second birth was with one of the most experienced midwives in our province. I felt healed inside through that peaceful and pain free water birth. On top of it I was gifted with a boy who loved to be held close. Now I have a boy who is sensitive, empathetic and kind hearted, but again with the depression . . . 
This is the one who will be 4 tomorrow. I was looking at the c section scar from her emergency birth and thinking about my little early baby. I am grateful for the doctor who treated me with respect but gave me honest facts. I am grateful for my breastfeeding advocate friend who came to support my efforts on her own time and for my dear friend who let me cry on her shoulder and helped me through a few rotten situations. The depression was there again too. I also am thankful for my homeopath who literally changed my life. She doesn't know it but she appears occasionally in my dreams representing feminine wisdom. She taught me and continues to teach me to trust myself and to follow my intuition. She taught me how to understand my dreams. She introduced me to "the work" and to journaling. Sometimes I wonder if she saw the direction of how things would go for me before I did.I have a lot to be thankful for but as my children are growing out of the physical care stage of their lives I wonder what next. I know what I want to do but I worry about how it will affect my family. Nine years ago I gave up on my goals but it seems that now I may have the opportunity to get there after all, just a little later than originally planned. Now that I have returned to work part time, I realize that I want to aim for a full time contract and finally get my Masters of Education in Reading. There, I said it. Out loud.
