Transitions and New Chapters

The transition between 3 and 4 has always seemed like the end of babyhood and the beginning of childhood to me. Tonight my youngest child is having her last evening as a 3 year old and I have found myself thinking about how things are changing. After being deeply immersed in pregnancy, breastfeeding, mothering etc. for the past 9 years my role is transitioning. I have found myself wondering what my purpose is in our family. Am I really needed here? Do I benefit my family in any way? What do I do if I am not deep in the trenches of diapers, various bodily fluids, and my small people have beautifully blossomed before my very eyes? I have been a dedicated attachment parent but now as I have found joy in my work again, what does that mean? Do I still classify as an attached parent if I love my work? 

 When my oldest was born I had a serious go round with depression. I had left a job which I was highly committed to and at the same time found a whole new side of myself when I fell in love with this little girl. I discovered my intuition and also a lot of anger at the medical profession for my newly torn up and scarred body and at well meaning people who seemed to think that they knew what was best for my baby. My daughter is practical and smart and I am proud of the woman she will become.

I was determined that my next experience would be different and it was. My second birth was with one of the most experienced midwives in our province. I felt healed inside through that peaceful and pain free water birth. On top of it I was gifted with a boy who loved to be held close. Now I have a boy who is sensitive, empathetic and kind hearted, but again with the depression . . .

This is the one who will be 4 tomorrow. I was looking at the c section scar from her emergency birth and thinking about my little early baby. I am grateful for the doctor who treated me with respect but gave me honest facts.  I am grateful for my breastfeeding advocate friend who came to support my efforts on her own time and for my dear friend who let me cry on her shoulder and helped me through a few rotten situations. The depression was there again too. I also am thankful for my homeopath who literally changed my life. She doesn't know it but she appears occasionally in my dreams representing feminine wisdom. She taught me and continues to teach me to trust myself and to follow my intuition. She taught me how to understand my dreams. She introduced me to "the work" and to journaling. Sometimes I wonder if she saw the direction of how things would go for me before I did.

I have a lot to be thankful for but as my children are growing out of the physical care stage of their lives I wonder what next. I know what I want to do but I worry about how it will affect my family. Nine years ago I gave up on my goals but it seems that now I may have the opportunity to get there after all, just a little later than originally planned. Now that I have returned to work part time, I realize that I want to aim for a full time contract and finally get my Masters of Education in Reading. There, I said it. Out loud.

Religion vs Spirituality

A topic that has been on my mind quite a bit lately is the difference between religion and spirituality.  I often am reluctant to speak about these things because I don't want to offend anyone.  My personal background is that I was raised without religion, joined a church in my late 20's and left in my late 30's. I think that for many people religion and spirituality can go hand in hand. If an organization helps you develop the spiritual side of your being then I am thrilled for you. If on the other hand, going to church hinders your spirituality and sense of self maybe you should reconsider. Do you allow yourself to be defined by what others tell you to be like or do you stand proud knowing that you are a beautiful expression of creation and diversity, perfect exactly how you are in this very moment?

To me spirituality is developing an awareness and living in alignment with God, Spirit, Souce, Creation, The Universe or whatever term you use to describe a greater force. It is alligning your inner purpose with your outer purpose.  And of course, if you don't believe in a higher consciousness that is fine too. There is no formula. There is you. And me. And him. And her. And them. And I really like to think we can make this whole thing work out. I love the idea of conscious evolution.

To be honest, I am not sure what is out there. I know what I feel and experience and what I have seen in the past but I am pretty sure I will never let anyone tell me what to believe again, no matter who they profess to be.

Here are some questions:
Is world peace possible with religion?
Each religion or church thinks it is "The One True Church". With so many people determined to make others believe what they believe, to prove that they are right, is in my opinion disrespectful and self centred. A peaceful earth requires compassion, understanding and acceptance. I think it is nearly impossible, although there is a remarkable group called Women of Spirit and Faith: www.womenofspiritandfaith.org which works towards feminine spiritual leadership and healing through compassion.
Is there such thing as "The One True Church"?
My feeling is the true church is the one that brings you closer to god/spirit/the universe. Given the huge differences in humanity, there is no one religion that would be right for everyone. For example, religions that preach to have many children or speak out against birth control - is this a good and fair instruction in countries where AIDS is rampant, rape is common, health care is poor, and starvation is a fact of life? Would that truly be the way of god? Many world religions place the man above the woman or demand obedience to the husband. This does not speak of equality to me. Men and women have many gifts to offer the world.
Does God/Spirit/Universe have a manual and rules?
As I was downloading irresponsibly from itunes, I was reflecting on Ricky Martin, an amazing humanitarian who has rescued many little girls in impoverished areas from a life of sexual slavery but according to most religions would be cast out for being homosexual. He is only one example of many doing incredible work to uplift and help heal the world who do not conform to religious convention.
Members of any organized religion what do you do when what you feel is right is not what your church authorities feel is right?
Do you ignore your own feelings and inner knowledge and give up your power to someone who doesn't know you? Do you conform to someone else expectations? Do you push those feelings aside and dismiss them as hormone imbalance, bad mood or something else?
Is the ultimate goal of religion following the tenets of that religion in hopes of being rewarded or is the goal to learn about your spiritual self and develop an understanding of where you need to go in your life and to understand how your particular gifts can help humanity?
Is it possible to live in complete allignment with god ad belong to a church?
For me, no. For others, maybe.


Please discuss politely:
P.S. - We will understand why these rules don't make sense when we die is a cop out. What do you really think?

Remembering Aric

Very rarely someone incredible comes into your life and somehow becomes a part of you. Many years ago I met a man who became a friend and brother. Next month will mark 7 years since we said goodbye to him. He passed away suddenly at the age of 32. Aric was and still is one of the most important people in my life. We named our son after him. We hope that he will become his unique self but also hope he will develop some of the qualities that Aric embodied.

Aric would phone for Dave and would end up talking to me for an hour before I passed the phone over. At over 6 1/2 feet tall I caught a glimpse of him hugging me in a mirrored window as he and Dave dropped me off for a conference. It still makes me smile. I always felt like a little kid when he did that and since he was well over a foot taller than me I looked like it too.

One of the qualities that I admired most in Aric was integrity, and this is where he has had the strongest affect on my life. Aric lived according to his own conscience. Recently, I have had a personal conflict in my life and I would have given just about anything for one last visit with Aric. He would never tell someone what to do. I made the choice to live in integrity even though some of the people closest to me strongly disagree with what I have done.

I love how he saw past all pretence and tradition and just lived an authentic and practical life. I love how he chose to love a woman with character and substance. I love how he was truthful in all things. He did things because he believed in them and because it fit with his values. He believed in justice and equality for all and was intelligent and well read. He was genuine, true and saw things for what they were. He is a person I aspire to be like.
Here are some words from his journal that say more or less what he stood for:

RUMINATIONS, 1997:
Get over it
The past is gone -
Choose your baggage carefully!
Don't be trapped by

- Convention
- Tradition
- Dependence
- Dogma

I wish I could talk to him just one more time. And maybe take him for a drive.